I don't need your approval for what I do or what I wear. I am justified by my own unique actions so g'head n stare. What I call my life isn't about to conform and be a prisoner I'm workin with all my negatives to make a better picture. Rather my life be the main event than the previews before the feature and thats all food for thought I hope you can swallow that on your leisure...

Notes on the Wall

If my wall were full of notes they'd say look out for me watch out for me. Whats the code to life and whats up with people who ain't blind but still can't see? They'd say one plus one equals you plus me the fact that I rather add you should be so proud of me. But we're all still ignorant...Tomorrow is a new day but today I'm livin. Those who give up that life must really be tripin. It's not that hard but you still catch people stealin. I guess they made up their mind between hell and heaven. They'd say if my words made sense they'd pick up a dime and maybe make some dollars the rest of the time. Get to provide for my fam while I'm still in my prime. Seconds are tickin and I'm running out of time. Speakin of runnin I gotta stop her from doin laps in my mind. But I bet if she made me her desire she'd really get tired. I can't stand to be in the fire but I'd put out the flames if we pulled an all-nighter. That note is for you, and if you wanna find its all true you can call me up and tell me your comin through. I'm always ready when she's ready you can check that note too. I'm fillin my walls with notes and I don't mean to be rude, but in this one I wrote my family comes first, yeah that's the song that I grew up to. So whats your move, I'm being real dude, cause there's only one way I know how to act so do what you do and jot down a note or two. Those who never learn always play the fool. If my wall were full of notes they'd say live your life to the fullest but even the fullest glass can leave some feelin undernourished. By that I mean unhappy. Like you can never satisfy me happy. But Imma always appreciate what I already have see. You might wanna read the fine print on that note first cause when worst comes to worst not knowing where to where to turn really hurts and it pains me to write it but when it all goes silent you can look up and find the lesson inside it. Cause it all happens for a reason, "Do you care that your still breathn?" I wrote that note to myself cause that's just something I felt. And that answer is yes, do the fucken best and don't ever lose yourself among the rest. If my wall were full of notes they'd say feelings on your face change daily, but those in your heart don't and if you ever feel like love is failing don't ever lose hope. You have one life to live and that's the realist quote I ever wrote. Make life worth it because we all deserve it, crazy how a simple decision gets you judged by those who ain't perfect. And this feelins got me nervous, makin biased decisions leave too many grey areas on the surface. But if you wanted to then go your way, I'm just sayin I can't be walkin in circles everyday. And that's a note to self that I'm puttin on my wall. We're not all born into wealth but there's a bit a royalty in us all.

You can't do that! You can't just walk into someones life make them care and then check out!

About Happiness

Caffie: Is it possible to have joy and not be happy?
John: Yeah it's called being human. We all have that feeling every now and then like we need something when we don't.
John: Until you feel that your entire life is complete you wont ever truly be happy. And that is impossible to achieve as we are now.

Being Single

Everyone keeps asking why don't I have a girlfriend. I can't say Iv really been paying attention to having a relationship or those simple signs I run into every now and then. Now I'm wondering why am I am myself. Oh well...

Looking for some things and I think that I can find them in you

The Girl and the Snake

A young girl was trudging along a mountain path, trying to reach her grandmother's house. It was bitter cold, and the wind cut like a knife. When she was within sight of her destination, she heard a rustle at her feet.

Looking down, she saw a snake, which spoke to her. He said, "I am about to die. It is too cold for me up here, and I am freezing. There is no food in these mountains, and I am starving. Please put me under your coat and take me with you."

"No," replied the girl. "I know your kind. You are a rattlesnake. If I pick you up, you will bite me, and your bite is poisonous."

"No, no," said the snake. "If you help me, you will be my friend. I will treat you differently."

The little girl sat down on a rock for a moment to rest and think things over. She looked at the markings on the snake and had to admit that it was the most beautiful snake she had ever seen.

Suddenly, she said, "I believe you. I will save you. All living things deserve to be treated with kindness."

The little girl reached over, put the snake gently under her coat and proceeded toward her grandmother's house. In a moment, she felt a sharp pain in her side. The snake had bitten her.

"How could you do this to me?" she cried. "You promised that you would not bite me, and I trusted you!'' "You knew what I was when you picked me up," hissed the snake as he slithered away.

Capricorn

Practical and prudent
Ambitious and disciplined
Patient and careful
Humorous and reserved


On the dark side....

Pessimistic and fatalistic
Miserly and grudging

Yeah all that

"Time is very slow for those who wait
Very fast for those who are scared
very long for those who lament
Very short for those who celebrate
But for those who love time is eternal"

~William Shakespeare

A Good Man

I take my strides with confidence never arrogance, but I won't deny my young age or my ignorance. All thats just common sense and I'll be damned if any of it becomes past tense. Thats just where I stand and just as my ancestors made reprimands Of all those bad things. I will become a better man... A good man... Or may my soul end up in "No Man's Land". So I supposed you'd understand if I don't belong in a Kings Throne because I want to meet your every demand (as my woman). And I'd make it my purpose to meet all your desires. I'll be like your pleasure for hire. Don't worry its all on me and we can make it an all nighter, I can go one round or nine like a prize fighter. Have you on fire and shakin like a spin dryer. Callin into work sick tomorrow cause you're too tired. Go ahead...call me a liar. I'll Surprise you with my proper sex etiquette, cutin off the phones before we get into it. I'd pay attention so I wouldn't forget any of those sensual places that make you wet. And if your wondering, yeah...I do know my alphabet. So what's your preference? Cause what comes next will be like early presents. That unexpected gift that'll fill in the blank at the end of your sentence. And have you making noises like them girls that play tennis. Oh and I'm down for any fetish... Lets talk out what we have in common so we can work out those other things like unsolved problems. Agree to what works and make me that list. I'll check em off twice so there isn't one I'd miss, there isn't a limit on where I'd put my lips. So Where would you like me to kiss? We can cuddle after... And in the mornin I'd make you breakfast in bed or would you do that for me instead? We could trade places like usher said. Dinner and a movie how would you do me? I could lay back and watch while you try to find all my spots. Let me reminisce about past times and how I made you mine. What makes you tick and what makes you smile and what makes you go quiet for a while. I'd own you as you own me cause its a confidence thing you see. I'd tell you "You'r the only one I need". As my hands run through your hair ever...so...softly. Just call me a good man cause I would never withstand to leave like a one night stand. Even if falling for you is all unplanned I'd stay and be a better man.

Just a Note

And what if it was truly unintentional?

Awakened

There are times I find myself lost in thought, the elegancy or our ecstasy seems most enduring to my fire. Overwhelmed with desires that feed our most intimate of passions. What does the word love mean if not at this very second happiness forever? My heart opens to your vibrant aura, that of which only calms my mind and sooths my soul like a sweet sweet surrender that only escalates the calming tantrum that keeps my heart beating to our fine tuned song of everlasting love and passion. I never want this feeling to end. The day I caught what seems now a gripping sickness that firmly holds my mind, body and spirit with the most gentle grasp was the day I put away the most childish of things and took upon what you see now. A man that has something and someone to live for. If I ever was looking for heaven I found it here with you and I no longer have to pursue it. The emotions I feel alternate like seasons at the sight of you and my mind seems set in only one direction when I think of what or where my life is thus my resurrection to what it means and I’d add no corrections. There is no misdirection when you showed me what path I should walk upon. My brightest of lights that only guides me further and I don't ever worry about looking back like a murderer because I trust you as you lay my soul at ease...there is no pain. My hands hold yours as we walk side by side and I look into your beautiful brown eyes I only pray that my soul and spirit is reflected in my presence that you see such goes an epiphany of all that’s in me... I love you. I never have once thought to feel this way, nor to let myself go to what I once thought was a lost cause so I went my marry way til you got in the way. Where there was a maze that lead to nowhere I finally found an exit, yeah...you were there. Let me remind myself that this does exist here on God’s green earth where life is bliss. And deep within my soul I know that what we have is true. It was that very same day I confessed to you. It was then I realized that you had awakened something in me. I at one time let go as we let by gones be by gones...though...truly there never will be a better day then when you came back to me...you are an ambassador my world and the liaison my happiness, I don’t think it gets any better than this. It only seems that the sun has gotten brighter, but I blame that on the fire of our desires as we balance on loves thin wire. And the whole world trembles beneath our feet making all who oppose us bow in their own defeat because we do conquer all you see? But just then...it all goes black, am I back here again? I shiver from the cold as my eyes start to open and my fingers begin to unfold what is this in my hand that I am holdin’? Oh yeah...I must have been awakened.

Words over Actions

Reposting a meaningful note I wrote.

So these past few days I learned that over actions words can mean so much more. Especially coming from someone that matters, someone that you really care for. I thought I could just keep my mouth closed and just observe but I kept listening and there was a few things I heard. Or can hear when someone like that blows a few words of wisdom past my ears. So let me set things straight with some of the feelings that would partake. I can hear the truth and there would be no question, just that simple ok and confidence that none of the info is missing. They could tell me a joke and I'd laugh without knowing what was so funny, coming from another person I'd have to break down the entire story. Tell me your disappointed and I'd walk with my head down because i put my true friends first not the other way around. And don't take that for weakness I pick and choose my friends like jewelers pick their rare diamond pieces. Their words become so critical with actions as the musics instrumental and I'm sittin here lettin the record play... So what else can they say... words of encouragement. yeah that would help my day. They could let me know I'm slackin and I'd pick up the pace on it until I can hold my own back end. They could tell me I let them down and I'll spend the rest of my time making up for Fn around. I take my life seriously and I take care of those who stand next to me. And their words mean so much more cause they are the ones I really care for.

Living For Today

Don't ever get stuck in the loop...you may never find your way out...I see that you like living for today but when the future is here then what? Stop living so temporary and live for what's necessary or you may never have anything to show for it... and no matter what, don't afraid to live your life how YOU want it. By that I mean don't live it how others say you should then being you wouldn't be so unique now would it? Though I believe it is fear that puts us all in a bind to "blend" in to the crowd or fit in with the majority. Whats wrong with being the minority? Whatever the case...in the end, life is full of choices and options. When you see that fork in the road its up to you to decide aright. So what do you plan to do after you read this?

Its hard to understand you through the silence. But I will keep trying damn it…just as long as your eyes don’t turn away.

~J

Translations

Scientific-Doesn’t matter how much of an IQ you have if you don’t have EQ.
Ideal-Doesn’t matter how much your mind is involved if your heart is not.
Cynical-If we listened to our intellect we’d never have a love affair.
Real-Doesn’t matter how smart you are if you don’t have common sense.

I love being happy and listening to music but why are the most beautiful songs so sad…

— ~J

Still Telling Time in Another Place…
My Location…VA
My Place…On the Right
The Little Ones Will Tell You Another Story Though.

Dont Fall

Don’t let yourself fall cause it’ll never work. She’s just frontin and I don’t wanna get hurt. If I catch myself slippin I’ll just take a couple steps back Shes just gotta understand that I don’t wanna get attached. What’s the use of saying anything? Cause I know if I do I’m going to miss everything. I could just look from afar and never have to get close. I don’t even have to be emotional about it, you know the heart is where it hurts the most. But I always find myself thinking iv found the one and making the greatest mistakes that I never learn from. Even if I got a lecture about how this girl doesn’t belong in the picture I’ll still trip and fall on the line I never saw. Or didn’t care to see the words “don’t cross” never occurred to me. That’s why I say don’t let yourself fall cause it’ll never work. She’s just fontin and I don’t want to get hurt. If I catch myself slippin I’ll just take a couple steps back. Shes just gotta understand that I don’t want to get attached. I hate fightin emotions when I always fail cause I still believe in love and old fairy tales. Why did she even have to kiss me and smile at all, now I’m stuck on a girl that I barely know at all. What’s all this I’m feeling after the way she touched me that evening, I couldn’t find the meaning. I have to get a grip cause I think I’m the only one who wants a relationship. Sometimes i wish i could hand all these emotions off where’s my secretary, it’s only been a month since I met her late February. But it was all just temporary and what I felt wasn’t really necessary. I still cried when she left and my conscience won’t ever let me forget. She was gone like “let’s jet set”. That’s why I say don’t let yourself fall cause it’ll never work. She’s just frontin and I don’t want to get hurt. If I catch myself slippin I’ll just take a couple steps back. She’s just gotta understand that I don’t want to get attached. I woke up today got dressed to go on my way. She tried to pull me back to bed and i kissed her on the head. Told her I gotta leave it’s been fun and don’t worry about me. There’s parts of this story that I do t want to read. I gotta go before it starts and before I begin. Iv been here before and I know how it’s gunna end. Keep falling for your type hoping that it’ll turn out alright. So I’ll step away before I make a few decisions that won’t turn out right. And she told me “I would catch you if you fall cause we’re gunna make this work. I’m not frontin and I don’t want you to get hurt. If you catch yourself slippin I’ll always have your back. And I would understand if you don’t want to get attached. But if you never let go of the past how do you tend to the future and what’s the use of falling in love when you always try to change fates picture. Are you still going to leave? Because your heart is safe with me. It’s not gunna be another bad dream so come back here and sleep.” So I locked door and took my car keys.

The Great Sand Dunes

I know we’re not saints or virgins or lunatics; we know all the lust and lavatory jokes, and most of the dirty people; we can catch buses and count our change and cross the roads and talk real sentences. But our innocence goes awfully deep, and our discreditable secret is that we don’t know anything at all, and our horrid inner secret is that we don’t care that we don’t.

— Dylan Thomas

True Lies

Its always an option of choices once you open the door. You can walk in, you can close it, or you can just leave it open. At some point if she said that she loved me, I couldn’t say it back, cause that would mean that I got attached. I’d smile but I’d never speak to her again…If a she told me that she missed me, I’d ignore it and tell her have a good day even though I missed her too. I couldn’t bare to miss anyone again. Even if she spilled all her feelings to me in hopes that I would feel the same way, I’d just stare without an answer. I couldn’t answer anything with the truth. I always found a way to open the door and walk in but keep my foot in the door so I wouldn’t get stuck. If it didn’t work out I would just step out and close it. My failsafe to my life. I know that if she left Id worry about her but at least I wouldn’t be a burden on her mind. I just don’t ever want to feel that pain of falling in love again.

What is it when your not in control? Is it being human? Is it being reckless? Or is that just how life is? The lesson is this; You can always answer someone without a lie and never tell the truth, but the truth will still be there lingering in your heart. So don’t be afraid to close the door behind you. It isn’t a perfect world but you’ll know when you’ve opened the right door.

Something I’d wake up to every day.

4TH of July and all we’re left with is Sparklers…

Me and Relationships

Come to think of it, relationships to me aren’t the same anymore. Its not about a title, a label, who’s in charge, how big the diamond is, whos turn is it, or who gets the big piece of chicken. It’s about compatibility, compromise, sharing, respect, partnership and love. Oh wait and communication… I could care less if I was labeled someone’s boyfriend, people in high-school have boyfriends, kids have boyfriends. Call me your man and I will call you my woman. Id never have a woman chase me while I do my own thing. I’d rather make her a part of my life, because when your with someone that makes you stop running, you grab their hand and take them with you. If your ever in a relationship that you want to last look your significant other in the eye and tell them how you feel. Why would you ever be in a relationship where you were so scared to let out everything. Tell them and then look into their eyes, because their eyes let you know how they truly feel. And when you know without a doubt that they love you back, nothing else matters. Not the cloths they wear, not the flaws, not even how bad their hair looks in the morning. Just…love. I wouldn’t change a thing about her.

This is exactly how I feel:

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

— Bob Marley

THE GREAT SAND DUNES

Not perfect

As a man I can’t guarantee that I’m perfect. I’m sorry if I don’t notice the new nail color you just got or the make over you came home with. But I already love you just the way you are. I’m sorry if I missed that picture perfect moment that you wanted to work out. But it wasn’t intentional I just didn’t know what you wanted me to do. I’m not always going to be there. But I’d drop everything just to be there every moment of your life. I’m not perfect. I may not always say the right things at the right moment. But don’t take my words wrong and ill be sure to apologies if it was unintentional. I’m sorry if I wasn’t what you were looking for. But my imperfections make me who I am. I’m not perfect but how can any man be without a woman who accepts him for who he is. Imperfection is my perfection, I am not perfect.

You know what I think? You were never really whole to begin with. Just because you lost your love doesn’t mean that you now have this black void in your heart. Even before you fell in love you should already be whole. Love just cracks you open, tears you to pieces and you don’t notice it until love has gone and washed away.

~J

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

— Yun Kouga

Day One

I wrote this the day I left sitting on the plane. I swear I always fall for your type…but this will be the last time I ever do.

Day one and already I feel like iv lost someone…or something. Was it The fuel to my fire or maybe it was the bullet to my gun. I feel like the moon without a sun a river where the water doesn’t run. I’m not totally empty but it was the sweetest taboo when she was with me and everything feels pointless to do when your alone I guess nothing feels like it’s worth it if your sharing victory on your own. It’s like I’m looking to the stands at my game and seeing no one else to witness my fame. I’m running without a finish-line this could go on forever, all I want is you we’re two birds of a feather. You could be my patient and I’ll be the doctor or you can be the cop and I’ll be the robber. Whatever your case is I could be the lawyer we’ll keep the situation hot like steam to water. If this is day one I hope number two doesn’t come. I couldn’t even go on knowing I’ve left someone. I could reminisce about the times we had, about the times she was happy and those times when she was mad, about those good times and the bad but nothing will ever replace her presence…as a matter of fact. I think I… Already… Yeah I think I… Already… Ain’t that crazy… This is just day one…

Change and Struggle

You can stay changing with the wind everyday but I’ll stay a steady course going on my way. It’s not even that our paths are so different it’s just that when your heart is talking you don’t care to listen. I understand the difference from dreams to reality but some true ideal worlds u can conquer realities fatality so i don’t understand why ur here sitting beside me it’s torture to find you’ve decided things so silently. It can’t ever be a partnership if u make it a one sided dictatorship to be honest with politics I really don’t give a shit. But I do care about what’s fair, about what your thinking of when you start to stare, and about loves ending and how we could get there. Call me young and naive but I will always believe that as long as it’s you and me there is nothing that we couldn’t possibly achieve. Cause we are that harmonious balance and that untouchable talent. For that reason I keep pushing even if I feel like I am losing. Cause in the end the sound of your heart is so soothing and I would do anything just to be there next to you, but who am I fooling… The wind changed already.

Exclusively for You

…because perception is everything and what is out of site is out of mind. I wrote this after she said I am too kind. But I’d never do more than that with another woman. I hate waiting but I’d stand here forever Through cold nights and stormy weather If it meant one day we would see each other I’d walk through fire and winters wind All the way to the earths end If it meant I could see you again And I’d never let go I’d love you until we both grew old Cause when I’m with you we put the world on hold I hated waking up in the morning from bed But I’d do it just to watch you peacefully resting your head And I’d smile and kiss your lips I couldn’t imagine it getting any better than this What’s happiness if not smiling for no apparent reason This is an angels gift If it meant going to hell and back I’d do it every day just keep you from being sad And I’d do anything for you even if it meant overcoming my fears just to keep you from shedding any tears Cause I never wanted to see your heart in two I’d do it all exclusively for you I could hold my breath until I went blue Its just when I’m without you I’m nothing but a lost fool I’d risk it all lose it all just so I could catch you when you fall I’d drop everything So I could be there when you call Is this the love in me you saw? You told me my kindness was perceiving But nothing is deceiving about what I’m feeling If only you knew its everything for you that I do I never imagined me doing this Cause I hated putting it all at risk I guess this is how if feels when love becomes true I’d do it all…cause my love is exclusively for you.

Pursuing Fate and Inevitability

I can’t say I have truly lived all of life’s hardships but I do confide in them. When it comes down to it, without those moments in life that become the most disconsolate you’d never know what it was like to suffer or cry. Sure I’d like to always bask in happiness but during that time…during that very second when you look down at your tears with understanding and gain that strength to keep pushing life becomes this brilliant challenge. That fire strikes in your heart and your passion to pursue becomes tenacious. Sometimes it’s what drives people to take another step no matter how heavy the weight is on their shoulders. It’s what lets you stand for something and not fall for anything. But I dare you to live without hardship in this world of yin and yang. I dare you stop moving because everything became too hard. Life is full of obstacles, so why would you ever let one stop you. “I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.” - William Ernest Henley